I’m having a bit of a pity party this weekend. Attendees 1: myself.
It all started on Thursday. I woke up to be greeted by my period (sorry men!) and this was really crap news because it meant another unsuccessful attempt at making a very longed for baby.
We started trying a year ago, but did take 3 months off as a break because it was emotionally draining for me. So I guess we’ve been actively trying for about 9 months. It’s painful. I know other people have had it worse but I’m being selfish now and saying it’s shit. It really is. I do everything I can possibly control, check for ovulation, have sex at the right times, take my temperature every day, take vitamins, you name it. Recently my boyfriend has had his swimmers tested and now I have to go and have blood tests and things and it’s just horrible.
Now, two of my closest friends decided to start trying for a baby of their own a few months after me. Both fell pregnant on their very first try. One month. Both women are now due their babies and on Saturday I had to attend one of their baby showers. I hate baby showers. I won’t bore with the details but really I find them very “beggy”. It’s all about the presents and I think they are just boring. Sorry anyone who had one but it’s just my opinion and I fully accept that I’m probably a bit biased right now.
So there I was on the day I was feeling shit about my period showing up, buying sodding baby clothes for a baby shower. Cue – humpy me.
I decide I’ll text my best friend and rant to her about it and she proceeds to send me a load of gobbledegook and say “oh sorry that was your nephew”…. and then send a video of him (I get these A LOT!!) but it felt hugely insensitive given what I was crying about at that very moment..
I know the world doesn’t stop for me but it felt unfair – even if that does make me sound childish.
So, period, best friend video and baby clothes buying and baby shower – so far not the best few days.
Then I see my sister on Sunday. My sister tells me a load of shit my mother’s been saying. It started off by her saying my mum really misses me and is sad about it. This pisses me off for so many reasons but I don’t say anything. By the end of the conversation I hear that my mother thinks my boyfriend is controlling and manipulative and he is the reason I don’t see her. She apparently asked my sister what was “so special” about him.
This makes me so angry. I come home and tell my boyfriend this (this isn’t news to us) and he laughs and says he finds it amusing that she thinks he is the controlling and manipulative one when it’s actually her and that she hates him because she no longer controls me. I agree with him but feel a bit hurt that it’s amusing to anyone. I say it makes me feel like a game.
You can see previous posts for background into my mother but she is the reason I’m 2.5 years into therapy and she always manages T insult and upset me when I see her. Also, my boyfriend genuinely treats me well and the reason I don’t see her is because I have purposely distanced myself from her emotionally and physically for my own wellbeing and that’s because of what I’ve learnt in therapy. It’s to keep myself safe. Not because someone is mind-fucking me.
Obviously knowing she thinks and says these things adds to my annoyance and doesn’t make me want to rush over and see her. So it’s all a bit of a viscous circle.
Then my dad. We’ve had a very on/off distant relationship. We got back in touch about 18 months ago and see each other probably once every few months. He is shit at contact and it’s always me that keeps that contact going and always me that asks to see him and drives to him. It’s never the other way around (same for my mum). And this pissed me off because these people in my family that all complain how they don’t hear from me and how I never see them – why the hell don’t any of them phone me? Come to my house? Why am I always the bad guy? Agghhhh.
Then there is this small issue that my dad and brothers at Xmas suggested we all booked a holiday together this summer. I was so excited at the thought as I’ve never been away with my dad. I chased it up constantly throughout January and eventually my dad told me that he didn’t think it was going to happen. I expressly told him that I would be gutted if I book something else with my boyfriend and the rest of them all end up going without me. He said they won’t be going. Guess what? Yeah, they’re all going and it’s booked. I found out earlier tonight via twitter. Wonderful.
I then see on Facebook yet another friend has got engaged this weekend and they’ve been together less than me and my boyfriend (happens a lot!!) and I get jealous. I feel awful but my mind automatically thinks why did I have to fall for a man with 3 kids and an ex-wife?! I hate that it won’t ever be just me and him starting our lives together doing everything for the first time like most people my age do…
Anyway, this is a really moany, poor me and depressing post. I’m sorry to anyone who is reading – I just needed to vent.
I feel so pissed off that I’ve pulled such a short straw in the family stakes. I feel like I’m always the bad guy and I’m pittying myself tonight I know I am.
Send virtual hugs please?