Pity party 

I’m having a bit of a pity party this weekend. Attendees 1: myself. 

It all started on Thursday. I woke up to be greeted by my period (sorry men!) and this was really crap news because it meant another unsuccessful attempt at making a very longed for baby. 

We started trying a year ago, but did take 3 months off as a break because it was emotionally draining for me. So I guess we’ve been actively trying for about 9 months. It’s painful. I know other people have had it worse but I’m being selfish now and saying it’s shit. It really is. I do everything I can possibly control, check for ovulation, have sex at the right times, take my temperature every day, take vitamins, you name it.  Recently my boyfriend has had his swimmers tested and now I have to go and have blood tests and things and it’s just horrible. 

Now, two of my closest friends decided to start trying for a baby of their own a few months after me. Both fell pregnant on their very first try. One month. Both women are now due their babies and on Saturday I had to attend one of their baby showers. I hate baby showers. I won’t bore with the details but really I find them very “beggy”. It’s all about the presents and I think they are just boring. Sorry anyone who had one but it’s just my opinion and I fully accept that I’m probably a bit biased right now. 

So there I was on the day I was feeling shit about my period showing up, buying sodding baby clothes for a baby shower. Cue – humpy me. 

I decide I’ll text my best friend and rant to her about it and she proceeds to send me a load of gobbledegook and say “oh sorry that was your nephew”…. and then send a video of him (I get these A LOT!!) but it felt hugely insensitive given what I was crying about at that very moment.. 

I know the world doesn’t stop for me but it felt unfair – even if that does make me sound childish. 

So, period, best friend video and baby clothes buying and baby shower – so far not the best few days. 

Then I see my sister on Sunday. My sister tells me a load of shit my mother’s been saying. It started off by her saying my mum really misses me and is sad about it. This pisses me off for so many reasons but I don’t say anything. By the end of the conversation I hear that my mother thinks my boyfriend is controlling and manipulative and he is the reason I don’t see her. She apparently asked my sister what was “so special” about him. 

This makes me so angry. I come home and tell my boyfriend this (this isn’t news to us) and he laughs and says he finds it amusing that she thinks he is the controlling and manipulative one when it’s actually her and that she hates him because she no longer controls me. I agree with him but feel a bit hurt that it’s amusing to anyone. I say it makes me feel like a game. 

You can see previous posts for background into my mother but she is the reason I’m 2.5 years into therapy and she always manages T insult and upset me when I see her. Also, my boyfriend genuinely treats me well and the reason I don’t see her is because I have purposely distanced myself from her emotionally and physically for my own wellbeing and that’s because of what I’ve learnt in therapy. It’s to keep myself safe. Not because someone is mind-fucking me. 

Obviously knowing she thinks and says these things adds to my annoyance and doesn’t make me want to rush over and see her. So it’s all a bit of a viscous circle. 

Then my dad. We’ve had a very on/off distant relationship. We got back in touch about 18 months ago and see each other probably once every few months. He is shit at contact and it’s always me that keeps that contact going and always me that asks to see him and drives to him. It’s never the other way around (same for my mum). And this pissed me off because these people in my family that all complain how they don’t hear from me and how I never see them – why the hell don’t any of them phone me? Come to my house? Why am I always the bad guy? Agghhhh. 

Then there is this small issue that my dad and brothers at Xmas suggested we all booked a holiday together this summer. I was so excited at the thought as I’ve never been away with my dad. I chased it up constantly throughout January and eventually my dad told me that he didn’t think it was going to happen. I expressly told him that I would be gutted if I book something else with my boyfriend and the rest of them all end up going without me. He said they won’t be going. Guess what? Yeah, they’re all going and it’s booked. I found out earlier tonight via twitter. Wonderful. 

I then see on Facebook yet another friend has got engaged this weekend and they’ve been together less than me and my boyfriend (happens a lot!!) and I get jealous. I feel awful but my mind automatically thinks why did I have to fall for a man with 3 kids and an ex-wife?! I hate that it won’t ever be just me and him starting our lives together doing everything for the first time like most people my age do…

Anyway, this is a really moany, poor me and depressing post. I’m sorry to anyone who is reading – I just needed to vent. 

I feel so pissed off that I’ve pulled such a short straw in the family stakes. I feel like I’m always the bad guy and I’m pittying myself tonight I know I am. 

Send virtual hugs please? 

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19 thoughts on “Pity party 

  1. Oh my dear, I understand the family drama. Trust me. I have severe depression and they are to blame in them. Life can be hard, but family can make it even harder. You have every right to be upset, live seems to be kicking your butt right now. I feel for you, as I have been there. Many times, actually. I’m sending hugs and hoping you’ll be okay and pregnant soon!! You’ll be an amazing mom, because you have learned how not to be. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks babe, that’s so kind. I want a shot at being a good Mum because I understand how important it is. I’ve learnt all about attachment and things like that so I think I would be good. Life does feel as though it’s kicking me for sure, thank you. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. wow this blog sounds so much like me.. i wish you the best of luck on trying to have a baby… i know for some women it just happens so fast… i’m on the same boat… i have just celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary and still no baby… i’ll pray for you and i hope your week gets much better…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sorry to be rude – but your sister sucks for trying draw you back into the family drama instead of just letting you have your own relationship (or not) with your mother. Pretty typical of narcissistic families, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.

    You deserve your pity party! All that stuff in your life really IS unfair, and it’s perfectly ok to acknowledge that. Sending you positive vibes and hoping that some good things come your way instead of all the crap.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah I guess you’re right. She is only 22 so pretty young. She is the first to slag my mum off but equally she lives with her and I think she is still in a place that I used to be in where she is desperate for my mum’s approval and love. She said herself the other day that whenever she is planning to move out, she starts to get along really well with her and doesn’t leave …. I know how hard that place is because that was me once and I’ve tried to convince her to get her own therapy but she isn’t ready to and I guess I can’t force her. Maybe when she’s a little older.

      It’s hard to know what’s okay to feel sad about and when that makes me become a victim does that make sense? None of this stuff is new really but I suddenly feel the power of it getting at me and trying to pull me down. X

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I owe you an apology. I should have been kinder about how I put that: your sister’s behaviour is a problem, but it’s rude and judgemental of me to say or imply that she as a person sucks.

        I can definitely understand she might not be as far along as you in seeing the dynamics in your family, and also: what you’re describing about getting on better with your mother every time she plans to move out is a classic narc technique called hoovering, and often that sort of thing is hard to see when you’re in the middle of it and easier to see from outside.

        I’m sorry you’ve got that double burden of a difficult family and struggling to have a baby of your own.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh don’t be silly, I knew what you meant anyway no offence taken!

        Oh it’s hoovering at it’s finest isn’t it? I have to try and understand that she can’t see it yet and maybe she never will, my therapist told me to stop hoping to make her see and focus on myself so that’s what I’m trying to do but it’s still hard. Xx

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh god you have so much to be pissed off about right now. I empathise on a lot of levels. You deserve better from your family. I know how it feels to be excluded and let down by them. And the emotional manipulation that goes on. That’s horrible to deal with. I am sending a virtual bear hug. Laura

    Liked by 1 person

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