Does anyone else who has ended up in therapy to be told by their therapist that they are the daughter of a narsisstic mother, ever wonder, just for a moment…
Could they be wrong?
What if they are wrong?
Maybe ive exaggerated things?
How much proof do you need? How much time needs to go past before you truly accept it in your heart and soul?
Therapy Diaries 
I knew she was toxic, in fact, the whole family was toxic but the label narcissistic fit the bill and that was only discovered and accepted when I was 55 years old. So for 50 years, I always wondered why this woman hated me so much, and now I know. As soon as I was born she must have thought she was cursed and her life’s goal was to make my life miserable.
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unfortunately for me it took years of therapy. of T pointing it out over and over again. i still slip back from time to time and feel sure it just must be me. that i am the one doing something wrong. the internal conflicts are painful.
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That’s how I feel!! It’s been 3 years with this knowledge and I know it’s true koz I have so much evidence yet I can’t access the anger because it’s like I don’t properly believe it. I also think it’s me that’s the problem most of the time x
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Yes twinkle, you’re not alone in these thoughts. I’ve often wondered if what therapists tell me is right or wrong, not just about narcissists but many other things as well.
Anyways, more than proof, I think it’s more a matter of what you believe; if you believe something’s true (whether it’s about your mom or something else), you’ll come to accept it naturally over time.
Just my view on this matter 😉 hope everything else is good with you! Hugs ❤
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This is the thing. I know she has/is NPD. I know it because I have sooooo much proof and yet it’s like it’s not fully accepted inside me. I keep having this irrational worry that my T is wrong and I am distancing or punishing my mother (and myself) all for nothing…. hopefully it is just time but it’s been nearly 3 years! X
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Oh yes.
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Yes totally.
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I’d have to say the exact same thing as cherished79 above, only it was last year at 49 that I finally had the category to fit her in and the wording of being a scapegoat to couch my experience in. It’s like I finally could speak of what I’ve been through because I finally had the words for it.
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That’s the thing, I’ve had the words for 3 years and I have intellectually accepted that – it gave me huge relief… but now it’s like I don’t want to accept it on a deeper level x
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Huh. Could it be that it was close but not quite it? Maybe she’s of what they call a Cluster B but not quite a Narcissist? I’m only guessing, of course. I think we all have that “bingo, that’s it!” feeling that remains when it hit on it. I’m sure you’re already considering that but I’m just throwing it out there as a possibility. 🙂
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Nah she’s proper bad!! She is I know she is… I think it’s wishful thinking 😢
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Yeah, a lot. I don’t think my mother had full NPD and I look back and think “sometimes things were fine, am I just exaggerating how bad it was?” And then I remember that things were really only fine if I did exactly what she wanted and was a shiny perfect child she could show off as a trophy, and if it was not that bad, how did I end up so afraid of the consequences of saying no to her or anyone else in authority that I nearly got killed in a car accident and got sexually assaulted multiple times?
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Jeez, I am so sorry you went through that, that is horrendous. x
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It’s funny, the minute I read that, I felt like saying “it wasn’t that bad” and felt guilty about getting public sympathy.
In many ways it’s harder to deal with the stuff I can’t pin down than what actually happened. If someone asks me what I am actually afraid of, what will happen if I say no or stand up for myself, I can only come up with really lame answers like “they’ll be angry? they’ll stop loving me? they won’t talk to me any more?” and then they say “and …? what is so terrible about those things that you’ll risk physical harm? Is it the end of the world if those things happen?” and they don’t understand that yes, that is what it feels like.
I don’t think you have to have suffered physical harm to still have suffered the same emotional damage from narcissism. I am sorry you had to grow up with this as well.
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I’m not sure of the answer to that question, but I think acceptance is hard. She’s still your mum at the end of the day. xxx
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Everytime my Mum does something nice I ask myself that very question…could I have been wrong, have I exaggerated etc etc. My therapist said something very true “your Mum doing one good/nice thing to/for you does not take away or erase years of abuse and control”.
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Absolutely true. It’s guilt and denial mixed together I guess xx
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It probably doesn’t help every time I’ve confronted my Mum about her behaviour she has accused me of imagining it and saying I take everything the wrong way and I’m a “nutter”. But you’re exactly right, it is guilt and denial!
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Ah a Narc’s favourite tool – gas lighting ! Makes you feel you’re going mad doesn’t it xx
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It sure does!
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You have to break the cycle. Then what I did was identify the ways that I was acting the same way-I am still young, I don’t need to act like that.
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