I went to my session this afternoon and told T I was feeling a bit rubbish. She asked me what I was feeling and I said I just felt down and sad but I wasn’t totally sure why.
T said that it wasn’t really surprising because I am doing some really tough work and the feelings are very painful. I nodded.
She asked me whether I had any thoughts accompanying the feelings and I said, well… I didn’t until… and then I started crying. I felt annoyed at myself for crying already and shook my head in annoyance. T told me not to do that to myself.
I told her that I couldn’t believe I was crying already, I had only been in the room for about 3 minutes! She said that it was better this way because I could make the most of my session rather than getting upset at the end of the session like last week. I said that’s true.
So I took the plunge and said well, I read something the other day about someone’s T leaving and it played on my mind a little…. and then I read in my book today about the end of therapy between a patient and a therapist and it made me panic… I was really embarrassed and pretty upset talking about this.
T nodded and said ah, I see. You are very in touch with abandonment feelings. I was crying again. I said I was worried she would quit or leave or something. It went quiet which freaked me out! Why wasn’t she reassuring me?!! Ahhhhhh then finally (probably seconds) she said that she couldn’t predict the unpredictable but that she has no plan to leave or quit anytime soon. She said she enjoyed her job and that also she took it very seriously that this type of work is important and she would never abuse her power like that. I was relieved.
We spoke a bit about how I feel silly having such regressed feelings lately and I also said that I felt that recently, I had so many upsetting and childlike feelings – I said it felt they were all coming at once and they were so tough.
I said that I just thought if I had finally allowed myself to feel this much and open up and then she left…. (I didn’t finish that sentence).
I was glad that was out the way.
I said that also, it being Thursday I was worried there might be a repeat of last week and I would be upset leaving and spend the next two days feeling shit which I really didn’t want. I said I know just because it happened once doesn’t mean it will definitely happen again, but I was worried in case.
She nodded and asked what happens to her at weekends? I said… err I don’t know really. She asked “do I forget about you at weekends?” I said yes. She said so I only think of you Monday to Friday? I smiled and laughed and said yes lol! 😂 we both laughed at this.
I said I found the weekends easier because I was busy with the kids and I guess I associated therapy with week days and work etc so the weekends don’t feel so tough BUT the thought of the gap between Thursday and Tuesday feels like forever!
We chatted about some other less important topics and then I told her some of my dreams the past couple of nights. I said they were horrible and obviously weren’t helping my mood. She said my unconscious was very busy and that I should write them down to get them out. I said I do anyway but I would.
With 5 minutes to go T said “right we have 5 minutes left of our session, how are you feeling now?” She’s never said this before so I assume this is because of last week…. I said I felt okay but that “you just never know what surprises I have in store for myself later!” (Cringe).
She said she felt it was probably better for me to leave more “adult”.
She then said “why don’t you leave some of the sadness here with me?” I thought that was a weird thing to say. I kinda half heartedly said yeah that would be nice… but she seemed serious.
She said I could acknowledge that I feel sad, but be able to still do nice and happy things for myself and not let it take over…. I was a bit confused about this really but I don’t want to sound like a petulant child… it’s just a bit annoying like I can’t just turn my feelings on and off like that for starters but also, she’s spent 2 and a half years trying to get me to be able to feel stuff…. to not live totally in my logic state and to be able to cry and now she’s basically saying “stop being sad”.
That’s confusing to me although I guess the adult part of me does know she’s trying to help. I’m just being a bit childish perhaps.
So… let’s see what the next 5 days bring.