Mother, Partner & Me

Last night ended in disaster. I am writing this at 1pm Sunday afternoon and have just about stopped crying enough to be able to see the screen. 

Last night me and my other half went over to my mum’s house for drinks. For background info: my mum is hugely narcissistic/has NPD. I went low contact with her about 2 years ago and now feel extremely emotionally disconnected with her. 

It all started yesterday morning. I was woken up with a phone call from my younger sister. Not ideal. But then it got worse, she was phoning to tell me my mum wanted to go to a certain restaurant for Mother’s Day. She got pretty shitty with me when I said I would need to speak to my other half before agreeing. She said it had nothing to do with him, he could see his mum and I would see mine. 

That might sound reasonable to most people however because of said low contact and said NPD, I like to have him with me at all times otherwise I tend to come away very upset for one reason or another, be that getting verbally attacked or her getting inside my head about my boyfriend and how genuine his feelings are for me. 

Mother’s Day itself is a bit of a tricky one this year. I don’t like this day where I am meant to “celebrate mother’s”… it is full of all kinds of hypocritical and conflicting feelings for me. 

Anyway, clearly her phoning and being shitty with me and the actual topic itself pissed me off. I spent the rest of the morning feeling very miserable and was rather snappy with my other half and his kids… other half helpfully pointed this out (read the sarcasm) and that made it worse. 

So at 8pm we went to said mother’s house and the evening was going as it normally does – standard conversations, standard drinking blah blah blah…. until… (of course there was an “until”. My mother asked us what our plans were in terms of marriage and babies – what were we doing first. I had told her that I was having some problems with my fertility and that we had no money and somehow she asked my other half a question about how much I would need to work when we did have a baby. He said quite possibly full time…. 

It went hugely downhill from there. I won’t bore everyone’s with the ins and outs of the conversation but safe to say, me and my other half had very different views on my working hours. I went quiet because I was shocked and upset, my mum and stepdad began to discuss this with him expressing their anger at his suggestion…. it was now about 2am and everyone had been drinking for hours. I knew this was going to cause huge problems for me the following day so went to bed. 

So when we woke up my other half was very visibly pissed. He wanted to leave immediately and said “I fucking hate it here”. 

I started crying (he didn’t see). I’m not entirely sure what I was crying about, but I felt strangely apprehensive about leaving. I felt very much in a lose/lose situation. 
We left and I was feeling really shit. My other half drove stupidly fast the whole way home. And then we got in and WW3 commenced. 

He threw all sorts at me, how I told them things that were none of their business, that these conversations were private, that we all ganged up on him etc etc… I told him that he is a big boy and could have told them he didn’t want to continue the conversation or he could have stopped it himself… he told me he doesn’t want me talking to my mum about our plans because she is a “bitter, twisted old hag” ..

I would usually agree but there is something about someone else saying it, or perhaps what I am feeling at the time? I don’t know why, but that hurt. I told him he should phone her himself and have a go at her, not me. He told me this is what she does, makes me doubt him and causes insecurity in me and arguments with us… she sucks me back in. 

Then I told him that his past decisions (previous marriage, kids etc piss me off because they affect our/my life and future so much – i.e. the fact I would have to work full time with a baby because we can’t afford for him to pay his CSA and our own bills… agh. 

Then I cried – yes, again! Euugghhhh.

He’s gone out to drive to his fucking ex’s house to take something the kids left (symbolic much!). He asked me to go with him for the drive but I didn’t want too. 

But I watched him drive off down the road and then fell about crying again feeling a strange mixture of sadness, anger, guilt and something else. 

What a shit week this turned into. 

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27 thoughts on “Mother, Partner & Me

  1. I understand your emotional state. 😦 Although at first in therapy when discussing my narcissistic mother’s cruelty in childhood, I felt like defending her when the therapist said something against her. As therapy went on and I spilled my guts and realized the impact of her abuse and went NO contact, I’m satisfied if anyone comments on the horrible way she treated me. The life we live (in your case, a partner) when emotional abuse lives within us and has impacted so much, and even though therapy helps in a huge way, those hurtful feelings can still get in the way at how we react.

    Thanks for sharing and hope your day gets better. Big hugs, Deb

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    1. Thank you Deb. I’m sad that you’ve had a narc mother too and that you’ve had to go no contact. You understand so well… most of the time, I don’t feel at all protective of her or anything. Most of the time I can totally agree to how she’s damaged me and my life… why last night/today I couldn’t? No idea. It’s like sometimes I forget or something – obviously I don’t but you’d think it. Must be painful for my partner because he doesn’t understand why I’ve suddenly “forgotten”. I still struggle in therapy to REALLY feel the pain because of her. I can feel the pain about things but it’s like I remove her from the problem…. I struggle so much with certain things because of her yet the guilt takes over somehow. It’s very weird x

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      1. I had guilt and could never figure out why this woman hated me so much when I was a kid and then an adult until talking about it in therapy (for many years) and that she is the toxic one. My husband never liked my mother, tolerated her when the family got together, yet despised how she treated me in past and present. An outsider will never know the cruelty of a narcissist, and I’ve learned also that they will never change and you will never be able to please them. No contact is the only way to go. It’s not fair.

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      2. That’s so horrible. 😒 yeah my partner hates my mum, and I totally get why. How could he not after the stories he’s heard and the tears he’s seen….

        I’m struggling with whether she was in the wrong last night or not… and struggling with the feelings it’s left me with. X

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  2. Oh my girl!
    That would absolutely feel shit, but I’m so glad you wrote it all down.
    When things have happened like this for me since starting my therapy, I refer to them as bombs, I keep setting bombs off. Because the experiences were shitty and upsetting, but I do look at them as positive bombs. That might sound nuts so I’ll explain…
    My instinct all my life has been to avoid conflict, avoid being hurt, and so hurting myself by staying in that bad environment because I was too scared to step outside of that damaging circle. I didn’t know I was worth more, I didn’t know it would be OK outside the circle, happy and peaceful outside the circle, and I most importantly I didn’t know that I COULD step outside the circle…because it’s family or close friends and you HAVE to make it work right? That’s the right thing to do?? Until Marge challenged me one day on one person that I was trying so hard with, because I couldn’t not have him in my life, and she simply asked why I couldn’t? Well blow me down gently, I hadn’t even considered it like that. That’s not how I’ve been brought up. But all the trying I’ve been doing with certain people has just been making me miserable, because I’ve been trying to move forward to a more secure place and it’s impossible to do that when I was still engaged in unsecure relationships in an unsecure way.
    I am all sorts of gutted for you that you feel crap today 😞😞 but I read that and thought, that’s a positive bomb. I don’t see that event as your mum turning you against your boyfriend, that may have been her goal, but it only occurred because she did unearth something to use on you both like a weapon. I think it’s positive that you now know you guys are on different pages, that is an issue to discuss because that’s a massive part of your future together that you need to be able to agree on, separately from your mum getting lucky and finding it. If and when you’re ready to talk to him about it, I’d separate the two, because if any blame can be put on mum twisting things you went get the chance to resolve it properly because she’ll be distracting from the real issue.
    Well that’s a long message, may be the opposite of helpful but I just wanted you to know that I see this all as positive, EVEN THOUGH it feels shit. We’re just trained to think feeling shit means we should avoid it at all costs. But I recently read about how our emotions are supposed to just be a tool, so we can solve problems or enjoy something. Keep going Twinkle, this is where breakthroughs happen xxxxxxxx

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      1. I’m just trying to work out what actually happened, if I were in the wrong, if my mum was, if my other half is…. I’ve just laid in the bath trying to make sense of it all and all I can come up with is that in some twisted way, her “sticking up for me” was something I wasn’t used to and something that felt nice and so I guess I “let” them all discuss it/argue when perhaps I should have stopped it. Annoyingly, despite all my knowledge of her narcissism, that pull is sometimes too strong and I don’t realise until after the event… x

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      2. Yeah that makes sense. I think we’re hopeful creatures by nature, so even if we think we’ve shut the door on something the tiniest sign of the right thing can suck us straight back in. You didn’t ‘let’ anything happen though, these are grown adults not children. Just because you could have done something to stop or prevent it, doesn’t make you responsible for what someone else did. The only thing you need to resolve is your actions, in an ideal world what would or wouldn’t you have done, and you’ll react from a much stronger position should a similar situation arise again xxx

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      3. I did think that about them all being adults, but I guess having someone else’s parents go at you is harder than just another adult… still I do agree. If I had my time again I guess I just wouldn’t have had the conversation at all. That way it could have all been avoided. I do hate myself for being able to feel any hope towards my mother when I know what I know, it’s so silly… she is convinced that my other half is the reason I don’t see her much anymore (which it isn’t, it’s because of my therapy) and I guess I panic koz then he says he doesn’t wanna go there anymore and that I shouldn’t tell her this and that and she says see, he doesn’t want a baby with you … and I feel like am I being mentally manipulated? Who do I believe? Agh makes no sense, sorry got verbal diarrhoea lol xx

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      4. Yeah for sure that’s mega uncomfortable, I just wanted to stress that just because its your parent doesn’t make you responsible for the action, preventing it or dealing with it (which is how I would interpret the ‘let’ part).
        Please don’t be so hard on yourself, it’s not silly at all, if we were talking about an object then I’d be with you “I’ve checked the cupboard 6 times, but there still isn’t any chocolate in there”, chocolate isn’t going to magically appear :D, BUT your mum is living person and she could change at any time, no matter how unlikely, I suppose there must be a part of you that thinks it isn’t 100% impossible?
        It could be manipulation, but sounds a bit more like torture. They’re both pulling you in the opposite direction, and I suppose they’re able to do that because you’re still working out where you want to be? You’re in the middle. Could you mentally choose to be in the middle, so its your choice, because that is what is right and safe for you at the moment, so you are in control of it, rather than it being in their control? xxx

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  3. wow – that is tough. as someone else said, there are two issues going on here. and having a narcissistic mom has probably made you very attuned to and fearful of conflict. and searching out who is “wrong”. stop (and I mean that in the gentlest way as I recognize the pattern).

    it might help to know that mom is creating drama. even when she cares about you because that is what she feeds off. not actually you. or she would see that its something you and partner need to work through as adults and would have left the subject alone. but a narcissist can’t have that cause it is all about them.

    you and your partner disagree. which is a separate issue.

    both can be true and no one needs to be “wrong”. “wrong” is a winner/loser game played by narcissists, in this case your mom.

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    1. Hi Melissa, wow that’s really given me something to think about…. you’re right, searching for who is wrong isn’t helping is it. You’re also right that she loves drama and that she should have left it alone but she clearly stirred the pot and fed off of the upset it caused. My other half did say in our row this morning that it wouldn’t have happened with his parents and that’s very true, it wouldn’t in a million years.

      It’s so tough. I very rarely get pulled back in to her but clearly last night it worked, I hate that.

      I’m 29 and still seeking approval and love from someone unable to give it to me in a healthy way – I guess I saw a tiny light and jumped towards it, at the expense of my partner who didn’t deserve to feel attacked like that.

      Thank you for writing that x

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  4. There is something you may want to consider, that I just realized about myself. All of this pain and confusion, and returning again and again hoping things will be different the next time, may be easier than facing the reality that you are not loved or wanted by your narcissistic mother. I did this for years on end with my family, hurting myself. And I just realized that taking it all was easier than facing this reality. It is a terribly painful thing to face. They are not capable of loving. And we can’t fathom that. Which is one of the reasons they have so much power over us. We are looking for something we will never find in them. And the more we seek their approval and love, the more we feed their need to see us in pain. There is no gentle or painless exit. I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

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    1. I think you are right. I have felt the true, deep sadness of this realisation only a few times since understanding that she is a narcissist.. but I think my T and I both agree, nowhere near what I should have felt so I think there is definitely a degree of denial still taking place. It’s like I know the facts but haven’t quite got through to myself yet – does that make any sense? You are spot on, I cannot fathom that a mother can not lover her daughter. You are again, spot on in that the more she thinks I need her, the more she likes to see me in pain, 100%. Eugh what a crock of shit.. x

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      1. I do understand this completely. I am experiencing the same thing. The pain of their abuse is easier than the pain of facing that they do not love you. I only just realized this myself, but cannot feel it either… not the way I should. So I understand you very much. It is a very hard thing to escape when it is your own flesh and blood. Cutting all contact is an excruciating journey. Other family members will not understand you… and so we lose more. I do hope your therapist can help you make the right decision for you. I am so sorry you are going through this and all the pain it is causing you!

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  5. i know i’m late responding. but i am sorry that you had to go through that. Its hard when we have arguments with the people we love. sending hugs and support. glad its behind younow. xxx

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