Last night ended in disaster. I am writing this at 1pm Sunday afternoon and have just about stopped crying enough to be able to see the screen.
Last night me and my other half went over to my mum’s house for drinks. For background info: my mum is hugely narcissistic/has NPD. I went low contact with her about 2 years ago and now feel extremely emotionally disconnected with her.
It all started yesterday morning. I was woken up with a phone call from my younger sister. Not ideal. But then it got worse, she was phoning to tell me my mum wanted to go to a certain restaurant for Mother’s Day. She got pretty shitty with me when I said I would need to speak to my other half before agreeing. She said it had nothing to do with him, he could see his mum and I would see mine.
That might sound reasonable to most people however because of said low contact and said NPD, I like to have him with me at all times otherwise I tend to come away very upset for one reason or another, be that getting verbally attacked or her getting inside my head about my boyfriend and how genuine his feelings are for me.
Mother’s Day itself is a bit of a tricky one this year. I don’t like this day where I am meant to “celebrate mother’s”… it is full of all kinds of hypocritical and conflicting feelings for me.
Anyway, clearly her phoning and being shitty with me and the actual topic itself pissed me off. I spent the rest of the morning feeling very miserable and was rather snappy with my other half and his kids… other half helpfully pointed this out (read the sarcasm) and that made it worse.
So at 8pm we went to said mother’s house and the evening was going as it normally does – standard conversations, standard drinking blah blah blah…. until… (of course there was an “until”. My mother asked us what our plans were in terms of marriage and babies – what were we doing first. I had told her that I was having some problems with my fertility and that we had no money and somehow she asked my other half a question about how much I would need to work when we did have a baby. He said quite possibly full time….
It went hugely downhill from there. I won’t bore everyone’s with the ins and outs of the conversation but safe to say, me and my other half had very different views on my working hours. I went quiet because I was shocked and upset, my mum and stepdad began to discuss this with him expressing their anger at his suggestion…. it was now about 2am and everyone had been drinking for hours. I knew this was going to cause huge problems for me the following day so went to bed.
So when we woke up my other half was very visibly pissed. He wanted to leave immediately and said “I fucking hate it here”.
I started crying (he didn’t see). I’m not entirely sure what I was crying about, but I felt strangely apprehensive about leaving. I felt very much in a lose/lose situation.
We left and I was feeling really shit. My other half drove stupidly fast the whole way home. And then we got in and WW3 commenced.
He threw all sorts at me, how I told them things that were none of their business, that these conversations were private, that we all ganged up on him etc etc… I told him that he is a big boy and could have told them he didn’t want to continue the conversation or he could have stopped it himself… he told me he doesn’t want me talking to my mum about our plans because she is a “bitter, twisted old hag” ..
I would usually agree but there is something about someone else saying it, or perhaps what I am feeling at the time? I don’t know why, but that hurt. I told him he should phone her himself and have a go at her, not me. He told me this is what she does, makes me doubt him and causes insecurity in me and arguments with us… she sucks me back in.
Then I told him that his past decisions (previous marriage, kids etc piss me off because they affect our/my life and future so much – i.e. the fact I would have to work full time with a baby because we can’t afford for him to pay his CSA and our own bills… agh.
Then I cried – yes, again! Euugghhhh.
He’s gone out to drive to his fucking ex’s house to take something the kids left (symbolic much!). He asked me to go with him for the drive but I didn’t want too.
But I watched him drive off down the road and then fell about crying again feeling a strange mixture of sadness, anger, guilt and something else.
What a shit week this turned into.