As you will know if you read my “Ugly” post yesterday, things turned pretty shitty for me after my session yesterday and it seemed to really throw me into something.
I’m really aware that the thing that seems to be giving me the most pain is that I had to leave. I HAD to leave the room, I HAD to leave her and I wasn’t ready to go.
I really, really wanted her to come out to me when I was sobbing in the car. I wanted her to care and come and console me.. I wanted her to text or email me last night to check in and see how I was because she knew I was in pain. Even today would be nice.. but of course she didn’t and she isn’t going to.
The logical part of me knows that it’s all to do with the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship but if I am totally honest with myself, it makes me want to scream “Fuck the fucking boundaries!!!!”.
The fact that there are even “boundaries” makes me angry. Why can’t I have what I need?
Why can’t she love me in a genuine way that isn’t part of a job or part of a process or part of a journey that will end? It is a very real reminder of the fact that she ISN’T my mother no matter how much I might wish she were.
I don’t doubt that she has genuine feelings for me of some kind. Maybe she might have even wanted to contact me, but knew she couldn’t. Perhaps it is for my own good and all that bollocks like when you’re forced to eat vegetables when you’re a kid because they are “good for you” but I don’t care right now. I don’t want to eat the vegetables.
I struggle already with my feelings being “too much” and with feeling like I might “kill her off”, so the fact that we have to have fucking boundaries just feels like proof of this because they are there to “keep her safe“. Safe from me – safe from my feelings. I mean, over the last few years, she has taught me to put in some boundaries to protect me from my narc mother. So that is what boundaries are there for. To protect us.
I guess I am being a bit of a toddler and having a strop. I want it and I want it now and I can’t get it so I am going to have a hissy fit and throw my toys out of the pram.
I just can’t understand why it is that it is so hard to have someone stay there with me when I need them. Like whenever I need them – not just when it’s acceptable. You know? Like 2 hours a week.
I can’t contain my feelings to only be allowed when it’s convenient!!!
AGHH. Okay I think maybe I’ve found some anger. It’s been a long time coming.
I still love her. I am not angry with her in some ways, yet in other ways it feels too rigid and too black and white and too cold and clinical to just be able to send me on my way knowing I can’t cope with these feelings alone.
The fantasy is that she’s already forgotten how much pain I was in. She probably cared for ten mins or so and then forgot. She’s forgotten me in my head – whether that is reality or not.
I’m sure this is transference – maybe the pain I am feeling is what I might have felt as a child when my mother wasn’t there when I needed her but even the understanding of that isn’t helping at the moment. Because she isn’t my mum – she is better.
She really “saw” my pain and then left me alone with it (even though it was me who left physically…)
I keep debating reaching out to her. Maybe sending a text or an email and telling her that I am struggling but I’ve never done that before and it is SO scary. I keep telling myself to take a chance at being vulnerable and letting her potentially help me out a little…. but I worry she will say something that I perceive to be too clinical and it will hurt even more than it already does now and I can’t bear that. I guess I could tell her that. I don’t know yet.