Ugly

I have literally just got home from my session and felt I needed to type this out quickly. I never write this quickly after a session so this is unusual and this is only about one very tiny aspect of my session but it has thrown me.

** Trigger warning ***

It was about 25 past the hour, 5 minutes before my session was due to end.  We had spoken about a lot of things but was currently talking about my narcissistic mother.  I told T that I had thought to myself this morning I wonder what my relationship with my body would be like if it she hadn’t said all the things she did.

T said absolutely I would.  She said that now that I know that things she said weren’t true, I could let go of certain beliefs etc.  I said well, it isn’t quite that easy. I believe the things she told me about my physical appearance.  I said that those particular messages have got in too deep for me to suddenly not believe anymore.

T asked me for an example and I said, well for example, my nose.  She seemed surprised and asked what was wrong with my nose. I felt embarrassed and said I hate it and my mother always told me it was “a nose from my Dad’s family”.  I said it made me very conscious and I hated having my photo taken from side profile.

She seemed genuinely shocked and told me that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my nose and that it was “bollocks” (said quite angrily).

The thing is though, of course she’s going to say that isn’t she? She isn’t going to look at me and say “ah yeah, it is shit isn’t it?”.. so I can’t believe her.  I told her that my boyfriend sometimes grabs my nose and says how it is “cute” or “sweet” but that I hate it and I used to really want a nose job… but that was before I had my boob job.

T said that her words were absolute bollocks and that we need to resolve this once and for all. I felt all hot and then burst into tears.  She said “you really do believe you have a horrible nose, don’t you?” I said yes I do.

She then said “if you have a baby and your baby has your nose, will you hate that too?!” she sounded angry but I understand she was just trying to get through to me. I said no, of course not.

She said that all the things my mum picked on about my physical appearance was through jealousy because she is hollow. I told her that can’t be true because the things she picks on about me, she has better.  For example, if she says I am fat – she is skinny.  She said that because she is a narcissist, she just can’t bear that I am different to her.  Different is bad in her world, that’s all.

I was a crying mess and shocked at how quickly that had escalated.  I looked at the clock and it was half past so I pulled my handbag towards me, still crying and trying to wipe my face.  She said to take a minute and that I didn’t have to rush off.  I wanted to stay and I had more to say but I’ve never stayed past my session time and I didn’t want to overstay my welcome… plus I was really embarrassed.

I got in the car and just broke down. I sobbed. I’ve never done that before. I was conscious the whole time that she could see me from the window if she had looked out and I didn’t want her to see me… or did I? I didn’t want her to see me crying and come out to my car to console me.. hug me… or did I? Aghh the tears are running again.

I drove home feeling very out of it and blaring out some angry music really loudly. I actually drove past my house and went the long way around because I was enjoying singing along and releasing some of this emotion/energy.. whatever it is.

The thing is, I haven’t even got started on the things I hate about my body because of my mum, but the sad thing is, I don’t want to tell her because she will try to make me feel better and I won’t believe her. Because it is embarrassing and because, as stupid as it sounds, I don’t want to point things out to her in case she hasn’t noticed before and then does.

I had a boob job because she told me I looked like a boy. She made me have one. Okay, that’s a bit unfair because she couldn’t force me obviously, but she pushed it and pushed it and then she had her’s done and told me how wonderful it had made her feel so I had one too. I was petrified and although I like having breasts when wearing clothes, I can’t bear how they feel and often wish I hadn’t had it done. This was before I started therapy and when I was completely caught in my need to get her approval.  Before I understood the unhealthy dynamic.

Do I tell her that looking at my legs makes me want to be sick? That I used to have visions of getting a knife and slicing off some of the (excess) fat that cling to them? That I still do sometimes when I am on the toilet or in the bath? She used to tell me I had “[Dad’s family] legs” too… just like the nose.

She used to make me feel utterly shit when my legs were on show. She one compared my legs to my best friend’s when I was about 15 and on my way out in front of her. I have never forgotten that.

Do I tell T that THAT is why I always cover myself up in her office with my coat or a cushion? because I don’t want her or me to have to see my fat legs? and that when she asked me why I cover myself up, I pretended I didnt know.

Do I tell T that I tense my legs so much they ache most nights? That when I was learning to drive I used to tense them so they didn’t go flat against the seat and look even fatter? that THAT is why I don’t wear shorts in the summer? that THAT is why I prefer the winter because I get to cover up? That THAT is why I stopped eating as a child and why she hid the scales from me because I became obsessed?

I don’t know how I feel right now. Is it anger? is it rage? sadness? I don’t know.

I hate the thought that I am left with this shit now and I have to wait until Tuesday night now which already feels like a million years away.

My tears won’t stop running and I feel shit.

 

 

 

 

 

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18 thoughts on “Ugly

  1. awww this is so sad. I’m sorry your mum had such a negative impact on your body image. Your therapist is right, it is about her and she was taking bollocks, but I know that doesn’t help how you’re feeling right now. This is just going to take time. Maybe what you’re feeling is a culmination of all those things, and maybe vulnerability too because your therapist was really seeing you today?

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  2. You are beautiful, just the way that you are. I know I cannot see or have never seen you before. But I know God doesn’t make mistakes and he created you in his likeness. He created you just the way that you were supposed to be from the very tip of your head to the very bottom of your toes, perfect. Every part of who you are, whether it came from your mother or your father, is a part of you. There is only one you in this world, so unique and so perfect and that is a beautiful thing. You are beautiful. Inside and out.

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  3. I know this won’t help but I understand what you’re saying. Coincidentally, it was my nose that my family picked on. It is my nose now that I have real hatred for and carry that hatred at the forefront of my brain quite a bit. Once you’ve opened up about something like that it is hard to put it back to bed again until the next session. I’m sorry you’re so upset. I hope you can find some peace from it soon.

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  4. soft safe hugs. your mother was wrong. and she is so beyond fucked up. you though? you arent. You are beautiful, I hope you know that and are able to love yourself some day. xxx

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  5. I feel so gutted reading this, so much has been stolen from you, and years that cannot be returned.
    But you have many years ahead of you, and I think all of us following your journey want to see those future years lived broken free of these chains.
    So I say, yes absolutely tell T all of these things, you’ve already taken a massive first step writing it here. You’re right that you will not just believe none of these things are true if T says so, because you know that you have got to believe something new and come to that understanding on your own, in order for it to stick, to grow new healthy roots. And the only way for you to be able to believe something new, is to confront the lies. They thrive in secret, and secure their hold on you. That first step is painful because those lies have roots that run so deep it feels impossible to break free. It is absolutely effing awful and traumatic, but not impossible, in fact it’s entirely possible. Maybe don’t tell T with a view to fixing it all, that’s maybe too much of a jump. Just tell T to unburden yourself with no further plan or expectation of where that leads, because these sorts of lies are really heavy to carry on your own xxx

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  6. I am so sad for you reading this. To me, you are beautiful because you’re compassionate and thoughtful and sensitive. I guess it doesn’t matter to me that I have no idea what you look like. But that probably won’t console you. And I really hear how hard it is to hold on to difficult stuff in between sessions. Keep writing about it. You don’t have to hold it alone. We are here, listening. Laura x

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  7. This is painful and sad to read. I’m sorry you are feeling so bad right now. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to see our own beauty and to only see the things that we thing are wrong or ugly. It comes from people like your mom, other people make insensitive comments, society has expectations of perfection. The part you wrote about flexing your muscles when you’re sitting… I do the same, or hold my legs off the seat so they don’t get smashed out, looking bigger. My mom used to tell how she wished I hadn’t inherited her dark circles and double chin, so that’s all I see when I look in the mirror. I’m almost 50 years old and beat myself up for not being over these issues yet. I’m sorry I don’t have an answer, just empathy and understanding ❤

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  8. Hi everyone. Thank you all so much for your kind words. I didn’t reply yesterday because I just had no words really but I really appreciate everyone taking the time to send me lovely messages. I am going to write shortly about how I feel today so I won’t go into it here but thank you again. xx

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  9. Yes, you tell her everything!!!! You already started. You opened a door that was closed before. I am sure it was a huge burden to carry around her words as if they were true. She weighed you down with her horrid words and gave you insecurities because of her own and that is so wrong and so infurating. I am so sorry she did that to you.

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      1. Oh my gosh I know it is so so hard to express these things. I never wore shorts to therapy and I did a few weeks ago and felt so exposed it drove me crazy. I was so distracted. She could tell so we talked about it. The body journey is a very very hard one!

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      2. You know the weird thing is that I never for a second thought it would be something that was discussed in my therapy! Never crosses my mind once. Well done you for wearing shorts to therapy, perhaps that’s a good symbol of you trying to uncover yourself no matter how hard? Xx

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      3. Every time I go I feel that way. I remember things that back from childhood that are affecting me now that I didnt even know were affecting me. It is amazing what comes uncovered in just talking openly. I think I never had that space to talk freely and knowing that my therapist is non judgemental and responds in such a validating way, i feel, well i think my brain feels, it can open the door to things it never did before.

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