Gratitude

[I previously typed a disclaimer here to warn you that this post is full of soppiness and apologising for how irritating it might be.  However, I’ve decided to delete that and enjoy the positivity while it lasts.  I want to embrace this feeling, not apologise for it.]

I am feeling a little emotional today. Emotional in a good way.  I think there must be a better word to explain what I mean, maybe… moved.

Yes, I think moved will do.

I don’t know why, or where this feeling has come from, but yesterday and today I have been hit with these sentimental feeling of being blessed I guess. Not in a religious way but of feeling lucky.

I have found a great T. I trust her. She is kind, supportive, attuned, understanding and everything else you would want from your T.  I have been able to let myself become dependant on her which is a huge deal for someone with my past. It took time (over 2 years in fact) but I have got there.

Understanding the process as I do, I understand that I am being “re-parented” so to speak. I am getting the unconditional regard and attunement that I didn’t get before. I am attaching securely to my T and she won’t let me down. I will take this with me for the rest of my life.

When I have my own baby, I will understand on an innate level, the importance of a secure attachment. Of positive regard. Of attunement. Of affection, mirroring and all the other things that I will learn during this journey with T. My child will grow up feeling loved, seen and heard. It will grow up and know it is a good person. It will take chances, take risks, explore the world – all the while knowing it has parents that will always be there for them. It will feel secure, hopeful, confident and most of all, safe.

I won’t pass this dysfunction down to the next generation. It WILL stop at me. I will work my arse off to ensure it stops with me.

I know that it was me that decided to go into therapy and me that picked up the phone, but I just feel like I’ve been given a second chance. Like all of the pain really will loosen its grip on me, it really will become a part of my story rather than my only narrative. Something I guess I never felt possible.

I don’t feel like I am a bad person today.

I could cry at how much genuine gratitude I feel today on such a deep level.  I don’t know what is going on or where this has come from. I think it will be something I talk to T about tonight.

I’m not usually this soppy, honest!!