The Reunion – Back to Therapy Tomorrow

I started drafting this about 2 hours ago.  It was feeling very confused, but since typing it all out, I seem to have made some sense of it.  This is what I love about writing and about blogging. It helps me to un-jumble all the chaotic thoughts and organise them a little better.

It’s Monday 27th February today and I have called in sick at work. I woke up early this morning with such a pounding headache.  That and the familiar sense of sadness.  I hate that feeling. It is so obvious even when you’ve only been awake for seconds and you know the likelihood is, it isn’t going anywhere for at least the rest of the day.  Not a nice start to the day, or the week!

The thing is though, tomorrow happens to be “Return To Therapy” day and so I don’t think it is a huge coincidence that I feel like this.  I often have a lot of physical responses to therapy stuff (read: feelings).

Tomorrow will be the first session back after 12 days.  Today is day 11 (obviously) and yes, I have been counting! On the whole, I’ve done okay. Last Sunday and Monday were pretty awful, but since then I seem to have been in “adult functioning” mode and have been able to get on with life and not feel that sense of doom and panic that I had.

An hour or so ago, I re-read the post from last Monday and I cried. It felt as though it got me back in touch with those feelings again. I wonder if I am a bit regressed today. I think Little Twink is around.

All I have wanted for the last 11 days is to be back in there with her, so you would think today I would be excited and happy wouldn’t you? But no. I feel weird. I feel anxious, nervous even, and physically my head is banging so hard it’s like a door knocker!

What am I nervous about?

  • Am I scared she will have changed?
  • Am I scared it will all be a big anti-climax?
  • Am I scared she will extend her break at the last minute?
  • Am I scared of overwhelming her with all the stored up needs from the last 12 days?
  • Am I scared of admitting how needy I’ve felt and telling her the real feelings I’ve had?

I think given how easily that list was to write, the answer is probably yes to all of them.

It has made me question whether this is how I felt as a child when my mum was due back from one of her latest holidays. Did I feel nervous then? I can’t remember.  One thing I do remember is that she would be really “nice” for a little while and then everything would go back to normal and that seemed to hurt more than if she had stayed the same.  I guess it was that bit of hope that things were different at last … and then that sense of utter devastation that nothing was different at all  would hit. And it hurt like hell.

good-or-bad-mum

I don’t think that bit applies to therapy though, because I don’t want anything to change and she doesn’t need to be “nicer” than normal, because she isn’t like that.  Maybe old habits die hard?

This cocktail of feelings is unnerving. The mixture of anticipation, excitement, panic, dread – it is horrible.

I have read on the net today that lots of people feel angry towards their T on the return to therapy. Anger for having left them alone or anger as a defense to their painful feelings of abandonment. I don’t feel angry.  T has often told me that it is okay to feel angry feelings about her and that it is natural but consciously at least, I have none. Maybe unconsciously I do? Who know’s?

I have known for the last 11 days that today would bring these feelings of anxiety and nervousness, so it’s nothing I didn’t predict already. I’ve felt this way before.

I have tried to intellectualize my way out of this today and it has helped a little – I know that isn’t a good thing really, but it helps me to feel the feelings with less shame. It at least stops me from denying them completely.

For anyone who hasn’t watched The Strange Situation,who struggles with these feelings, give it a watch now, it is incredible. It models attachment styles in babies beautifully. It reminds me that a lot of these feelings are all due to my particular attachment style which is either anxious or disorganised. T says I flip between the two.

With that in mind, I can appreciate that it is transference making me feel this way today.

Because of my attachment style I experience a really high amount of distress when I am not with my caregiver (therapist).  I can’t soothe myself well and I therefore stay hyper-vigilant whilst she is gone.  When she returns, I remain just as fired-up because I don’t know what I am going to get. The good mother or the bad mother.  I guess that does link in with my memory from childhood actually doesn’t it? How long will the niceness last? How long until I have to feel the same again? I guess that is why I have often gone back to therapy after a break with “no feelings” and nothing to discuss, because if you want to keep your caregiver good after they’ve been away, you keep any “bad” feelings away don’t you? You stay good.

That isn’t going to work tomorrow because I have a whole host of feelings ready to take to her.  I guess THAT is what is making me anxious.

 

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “The Reunion – Back to Therapy Tomorrow

      1. No it all makes sense. Having an intellectual understanding of the psychology of attachment helps…though our emotional responses are hard to re-train despite our insight. I wonder if therapist’s get nervous themselves? They might do! Who knows! I might ask her on Friday 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oohhh I like this idea!! What an interesting thought? Funnily enough i was thinking earlier that for them the end of the break must be quite interesting – we all respond differently to the break after all. I’ve read lots of people leave or try to leave… so you might be right! X

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’m glad 😊 Call me Summer or Imani (they are both my real life names 😊) Considering things from the other perspective balances things out in a good way. Therapist’s are not perfect. They do have worries. And they probably fear they are incompetent or may be rejected if they’re not helping enough. They are still humans lol 😂 X

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Well done in getting through the 12 days, that’s such a long time. I think I’d have imploded by now. Really, you’ve done great. Good luck for your session tomorrow. Nerves are normal.
    Also, what you said about your mum being nice for a few days before everything went back to normal and then feeling gutted that the “nice mum” didn’t last…. OMG, that just sparked such an implicit memory for me of experiencing that with my mother. It’s just given me another little piece of the puzzle so thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow Sirena, has it really? I hope I haven’t upset you or triggered you too much. If it’s helped you somehow then I am soooo pleased. It came out as I typed and wasn’t something that I’ve previously thought about so I will bring that to her tomorrow I think.

      Thank you for your kind words about the break. It’s only 2 missed sessions, but feels like an age! As you know first hand.

      I hope you’re feeling okay with your lack of sleep? Lovely art as always! Xx

      Like

      1. I forgot I’d had lack of sleep! oops. Yeah I’m okay. No you didn’t trigger anything but I probably will speak to my therapist about it too. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s