Have I been triggered by T being away?
I can’t make any sense of what is going on in my head but I don’t like it. It is horrible. It makes me want to scream and cry and punch things and cry some more. My mind is absolutely consumed with therapy things and the fact that T is off this week – yet I wouldn’t even have a session until tomorrow anyway, so how does that work? I keep reading and writing hoping to suddenly “get” something to make this all hurt less… but all it does is make it worse. I’m trying to intellectualise it away.
I hate the break, it is really painful this time, really, really horrible. I never understood when she used to say it might bring up painful feelings – I didn’t foresee it feeling like this. I read earlier that missing your T can feel like missing a friend when they go away, but it is nothing like that at all. If my best friend went on holiday, it wouldn’t make any real difference to me for a week – or even two. We might have contact via text, but that’s all. T said if I needed to, I could send her a text message to ask her “are you there” but as I’ve said previously in a blog, how is that meant to help me when “there” is just somewhere that I’m not??
I keep thinking that maybe this is how I felt as a child when my mum went away. Maybe these feelings are emotional flashbacks, but I can’t remember.
I don’t know if it’s worse knowing she is at home and not physically far away or whether it would be harder knowing she was miles away on a beach abroad somewhere. I can’t work out why I wouldn’t be feeling like this if she weren’t on a break because I wouldn’t be seeing her yet anyway!! so why is it making such a huge difference to how I feel?
I feel like the child part of me is in charge at the moment. I didn’t want to go to work today, I really felt very down the second I opened my eyes. I forced myself to go, obviously, but it was hard. I feel very miserable and I can’t even explain why. I am even questioning whether it is about her being away or whether I’ve just made that up.
I want to hide away yet my thoughts are so loud that I don’t want to be alone because then they would be even louder. I know I sound desperate.
It’s made me realise this was how I felt at Christmas those days when I felt so miserable and cried easily – it is exactly the same. Those feelings kicked in very quickly after my last session to, and before I would normally see her again.
I don’t like this feeling of being left to fend for myself, without therapy. It makes me want to cry. I can’t handle things on my own. I need to check in with her twice a week – it makes my weeks okay. I need the connection and I need to see her and talk to her. I need the understanding, the smiles and the odd “in joke”. It feels like I’m suddenly obsessed with it all – I feel ashamed for feeling this way. I am a grown woman and not that child anymore, but it doesn’t feel like that at the moment.
I’m already thinking about the Easter break and that makes me want to scream. After Easter it’s summer break – her’s and mine – constant breaks all the time, why????????????????????? All that therapy breaks do is BREAK ME.
I could never imagine a year or two ago having these feelings because of the breaks. I used to laugh at the thought that you could feel so strongly because your therapist had some time off, I admit I thought it was a bit pathetic really. Now I am in panic because what if this is only the start? What if there are more horrible feelings and thoughts like this? I just want to make some sense of them so they don’t feel so powerful and so confusing.
I don’t like feeling this needy and this vulnerable and weak and young. How the hell did I cope with these feelings when I was actually young? How didn’t I die?
It feels like life and death – clinging on, surviving. So bloody dramatic.
Why won’t I just send her a message? I am adamant that I won’t – my reason being that it won’t help or it will make me miss her more. It’s like I’m punishing myself somehow or just trying to take some control back over feeling so, well, out of control.