Emotional Flashback?

Have I been triggered by T being away?

I can’t make any sense of what is going on in my head but I don’t like it. It is horrible. It makes me want to scream and cry and punch things and cry some more. My mind is absolutely consumed with therapy things and the fact that T is off this week – yet I wouldn’t even have a session until tomorrow anyway, so how does that work? I keep reading and writing hoping to suddenly “get” something to make this all hurt less… but all it does is make it worse. I’m trying to intellectualise it away.

I hate the break, it is really painful this time, really, really horrible. I never understood when she used to say it might bring up painful feelings – I didn’t foresee it feeling like this. I read earlier that missing your T can feel like missing a friend when they go away, but it is nothing like that at all. If my best friend went on holiday, it wouldn’t make any real difference to me for a week – or even two.  We might have contact via text, but that’s all. T said if I needed to, I could send her a text message to ask her “are you there” but as I’ve said previously in a blog, how is that meant to help me when “there” is just somewhere that I’m not??

I keep thinking that maybe this is how I felt as a child when my mum went away. Maybe these feelings are emotional flashbacks, but I can’t remember. 

I don’t know if it’s worse knowing she is at home and not physically far away or whether it would be harder knowing she was miles away on a beach abroad somewhere. I can’t work out why I wouldn’t be feeling like this if she weren’t on a break because I wouldn’t be seeing her yet anyway!! so why is it making such a huge difference to how I feel?

I feel like the child part of me is in charge at the moment. I didn’t want to go to work today, I really felt very down the second I opened my eyes. I forced myself to go, obviously, but it was hard. I feel very miserable and I can’t even explain why. I am even questioning whether it is about her being away or whether I’ve just made that up.

I want to hide away yet my thoughts are so loud that I don’t want to be alone because then they would be even louder. I know I sound desperate.

It’s made me realise this was how I felt at Christmas those days when I felt so miserable and cried easily – it is exactly the same. Those feelings kicked in very quickly after my last session to, and before I would normally see her again.

I don’t like this feeling of being left to fend for myself, without therapy. It makes me want to cry. I can’t handle things on my own. I need to check in with her twice a week – it makes my weeks okay. I need the connection and I need to see her and talk to her. I need the understanding, the smiles and the odd “in joke”.  It feels like I’m suddenly obsessed with it all – I feel ashamed for feeling this way. I am a grown woman and not that child anymore, but it doesn’t feel like that at the moment.

I’m already thinking about the Easter break and that makes me want to scream. After Easter it’s summer break – her’s and mine – constant breaks all the time, why?????????????????????  All that therapy breaks do is BREAK ME.

I could never imagine a year or two ago having these feelings because of the breaks. I used to laugh at the thought that you could feel so strongly because your therapist had some time off, I admit I thought it was a bit pathetic really. Now I am in panic because what if this is only the start? What if there are more horrible feelings and thoughts like this? I just want to make some sense of them so they don’t feel so powerful and so confusing.

I don’t like feeling this needy and this vulnerable and weak and young. How the hell did I cope with these feelings when I was actually young? How didn’t I die?

It feels like life and death – clinging on, surviving. So bloody dramatic.

Why won’t I just send her a message? I am adamant that I won’t – my reason being that it won’t help or it will make me miss her more. It’s like I’m punishing myself somehow or just trying to take some control back over feeling so, well, out of control.

 

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27 thoughts on “Emotional Flashback?

  1. I feel for you. Breaks are the worst. Yes you are a grown adult. But your therapist isn’t working with the adult, she’s working with the child. This reparitive works makes you be in touch with the child, gives the child a voice, these are your child’s needs and it’s okay to honour them, to give them space. It feels awful, I hear you. But you are not going to die, I can assure you. How about some sort of art project, about how the breaks impact you? something you could maybe show your therapist when she gets back?
    You can’t really avoid feeling crappy about the break right now, but it helps to pay attention to your own self-care, eat well, sleep well, meditate, keep busy etc . You will get through this.

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  2. Thank you 😢it’s never been so hard before. I don’t like it at all. I just feel silly being so needy!! I did some drawing last night that I have thought about showing her when she comes back… I drew the therapy room with me in it, crying and her chair empty…. sums it up well me thinks lol!!

    I will try, thank you so much. I’ve been massively over-eating, like stupidly, so I need to stop! X

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  3. It’s always hard to have a therapy break. It doesn’t get easier for me. I think it brings up a lot of feelings of abandonment and reminds us of feeling needy and dependent, which is something we don’t want to feel as adults. But the part that’s active isn’t adult and needs to know you’re still connected. Sending a text could do just that, remind you that your T is there and still thinking of you. It helps me to email mine when she is away occasionally, just to let myself still feel important to her. I also find it really useful to have a transitional object from her when she is gone – something of hers I can bring home. I usually have a blanket from her office. It’s comforting and helps me stay connected with her. Maybe you could ask for something like that next time? Laura

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    1. Hi Laura, thank you for your comment – I really appreciate you taking your time to write that. I think you’re right, I need to learn not to be so embarrassed by my more needy feelings. I have spoken about transitional objects before but she hasn’t offered me one, I guess I could ask.. agh! Why is it so scary to ask? Xx

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      1. It’s super scary to ask! I totally get that. It took me two years to ask mine for anything, even the tiniest thing like changing session times would freak me out. I guess it gets easier the more we do it. And the worst that can happen is they say no, right?

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  4. I certainly empathize with you and think it’s important to do what you can to stay in the moment. I know easier said than done. And then you’re worrying about April! If you can try to love for today. It’s called shrinking your world. I do it when I’m overwhelmed by circumstances beyond my control. Sometimes I have to shrink it to your by hour. I hope you have success feeling in your troubled mind

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    1. Good advice Rob. That would certainly help. I feel a whole lot better today, think I was a bit regressed yesterday and I’ve come out of it today. Taking things day by day or hour by hour is great advice, thank you for commenting x

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  5. I can relate to this so much. I hate therapy breaks. Ive been with my therapist for almost a year now, and it never gets easier. But I’ve found it helps that I can send her a text when I’m feeling particurlary low. She also sends me a text every now and then just to check in with me. I have an almost obsessive attachment to her, and with the BPD, it makes a normal attachment so much more powerful and painful. There’s nothing wrong with you. 🙂

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    1. Does she? I would love for my T to send me a text to check in, I can’t see her doing that. What kind of thing would you say to her if you don’t mind me asking? Thanks for validating how I feel. The feelings are still very powerful! X

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      1. She does indeed. And she’s also sent me a few voice notes, because I start panicking if I don’t see her for a while. What kind of thing would I say to her or what she says to me? The feelings are very powerful.

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      2. Usually she’ll text me, because she knows my fear of abandonment is intense, and I struggle with object constancy. I rarely message her first. But when I do, I just tell her how I’m feeling, what’s been going on, or that I miss her. You could always just text and say that you’re thinking of her and hope she’s well.

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  6. I ALWAYS went LOOP-THE-LOOP when my T was on a break. At one point she selfishly became quite ill and I was so distressed I had to call her while she was IN THE GODDAM HOSPITAL. You won’t always feel like this. That you do at the mo means the T is working. Which will be excellent in a few years when you look back on it and laugh at yourself for being a massive twat and phoning your T in the hosp. Ps your blog is ace and brave. Am just catching up here…

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    1. Haha oh god! Poor you. This is the first time I’ve ever had these feelings, taken me nearly 3 years! I am looking forward to not feeling like a massive twat already 😂 ah thank you so much. I am brand new still but I’m enjoying it, the support and validation has been amazing! 💗 XX

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