Driving to my session last night I realised that I didn’t want to be driving. I didn’t want to be in control of the car and I felt like I wasn’t “there” enough. Something felt wrong and I felt nervous to be driving. Part of me wished I hadn’t passed my test last September. This was a bit of a strange feeling for me to have because since passing my test, I’ve really enjoyed driving and have recently got very confident. That was a sign for me that I’ve had before… something was going on in my body. When I arrived, I was relieved I had got there okay. My body physically deflated and I realised I had been holding a lot of tension in my shoulders.
My therapist opened the session as normal, “How’s Twinkletoes” and I said my usual response – “Yeah, I’m fine..”. She always repeats this and laughs – not in a cruel way but it’s always enough to make me try to elaborate or say something else. “I’m fine really is a non-committal statement isn’t it?”. I told her how I felt on the drive over and that I’ve noticed it before – she said perhaps I was nervous about coming and I said I didn’t feel nervous, but it has happened a few times and it feels like I can’t concentrate – like my head is foggy..
I also told her that I had my yearly appraisal at work during the day and she asked how it went. I said that it was okay, I pulled a bit of a “sulky” face and said that they had told me they thought I had become a bit complacent and that they thought I could do more. They told me that I never left my comfort zone and they wanted me to try some new things and take on some new responsibility. I told her that when they spoke to me about this stuff, I had burst into tears and was shocked by that – it had left me feeling a bit sad all day.
T asked me what it was that had made me cry. I said I wasn’t really sure, but that it was true what they had said and for some reason it had provoked that response from me so suddenly I didn’t have time to think about it! She told me that she thought perhaps I had realised quite how much my childhood/the trauma etc had such an effect on me. How it/my mother has held me back in life and how I could have had a different life. She asked whether I felt the sadness of that. I said I wasn’t sure. I said I just feel bored in life in regards to my job. I don’t have any passion for it, it is mind-numbingly boring at the best of times and I’ve wanted to do something else for many years, but I never do. She asked me why and I said I wasn’t sure but I was scared to look stupid. We discussed where this thought came from and I said I don’t know. We then spoke in detail about how it is my mother’s internalised voice – not my own and that it’s the “inner critic” and I should try and fight against it and not believe it.
I told her that although this may be the case, it feels like my voice and I do really believe the things it says – it isn’t like I am aware they aren’t my thoughts. She tried to explain to me that they are my thoughts, but only because of her. Because I didn’t have the kind, encouraging, supportive words I should have done.
We went on to discuss different career options, college, university courses and various things – I felt like I had a reason none of them could work. She said sometimes it’s scary to think that everything could change and I cried again. I said my boss had told me that everything in my life was comfortable and that I should try and change things up a bit – she understood that maybe it looks that way to him, but in therapy, everything is changing. She said perhaps I needed that anchor of something staying the same whilst I dealt with this stuff and I agreed although said I felt this was also a bit of an excuse on my part. I know I would be much happier if I felt excited and challenged by a new job. I told her that I used to love learning. I love reading, I love writing – I like highlighting things and the feeling you get when you really understand something you’ve just learnt, how it opens your mind up to wanting to learn more and more and more….. she told me to try and stay with thoughts like that.
I told her that being called “Saffy” and a “boffin” when I was young doesn’t help and she told me off for saying them things and didn’t laugh with me at all. I felt embarrassed and like I’d been told off my a teacher or parent. Naughty Twink!
After a while, conversation moved on and eventually she brought up the therapy break next week. Despite what she thinks, she hasn’t asked me how I feel about it. I have been waiting for her to ask me and I’ve been equally dreading and wishing she would – very conflicting I know. She still didn’t ask but she didn’t need to as she started to speak about how the breaks generally can be tough, I began crying again. I felt very embarrassed. She said that she could see I was upset and that she really did understand etc – luckily I didn’t need to say much. She reiterated like last week that I can email/text her and ask if “she is there” and that she would reply to tell me she is, but I am struggling to see how that will help me right now. I don’t need to know she is “there” – when “there” just means somewhere in the world. When I feel those needy feelings for her, it’s because I need to see her, be with her, feel the connection and cry to her – or whatever it is… even so, I do appreciate the reason behind her saying it.
But then she made a joke…. “I will wait a few weeks before giving you my Easter dates” *laughs*
….. ….. Child me is not happy about that joke. It felt very insensitive when I was sat there with tears running down my face regarding the therapy break. However, of course, I laughed along…..