It’s Saturday 11th February and its 2pm. My boyfriend has taken the kids out for a bit and so I have some rare quiet time, well quiet except from the washing machine that is broken and so is spinning so loudly I am sure the whole road can hear it!!
I don’t often get a chance to write at the weekend so I thought I would make the most of it whilst I can. I feel quite happy today. I feel very comforted by little things around me. Silly things really, I’m drinking tea out of a mug I brought myself a few months ago which I thought was pretty, I have just cleaned the house and so it smells and looks nice, I’ve been playing my music and I’ve always loved that. I finished one of my new books last night and it was fantastic and now I get to start one of my other new books – there is nothing nicer than the first page of a brand new book is there? I even love the smell! Bit weird aren’t I? ha.
I’ve thought about my therapy a lot today, well a lot most days if I’m honest – and so obviously in turn I’ve thought about my therapist. I was wondering whilst cleaning, what would life be like without that and her in it? I can’t really imagine it, is that strange?
Going to therapy gives me some kind of structure I guess. I look forward to my sessions in the week (I go twice a week). I like the journey despite how bloody hard it is sometimes. I like knowing I am improving myself, my life, my chances in my future. I guess I feel that it makes me more contained and more aware or something… I’m not entirely sure what the feeling is.
Having her there in my life has been a wonderfully strange experience. I spent a long time, over 2 years I think, being highly defended that she wasn’t that important to me. She was a professional who was pleasant and knowledgeable, but not important to me, no. In the last few months I have accepted on a conscious level that actually she is extremely important to me. Isn’t it scary to admit that? Admitting someone is very important to you, to your life, leaves you feeling vulnerable to be hurt doesn’t it. I guess that is why I spent so long not acknowledging that attachment to myself. She has never given me any reason to doubt her, but the whole paying for her time thing is still in my head I guess. At the end of the day, if I didn’t pay her, she wouldn’t be there for me – end of. The adult part of me can talk this part down, mostly, in that I pay for her time so she can be doing this with me and not out there doing something else, but her care and thoughts etc are free – those were her words. Anyway, she is important to me now and I can admit and acknowledge a real connection when I see her. I can feel a very obvious change in me when I leave her on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I am starting to be able to admit to feelings of missing her sometimes. I don’t know if it’s “her” that I miss, but certainly that connection with someone who understands you more than anyone else really can. I know my boyfriend might know me better in terms of my quirks or my habits or my day to day stuff, but she”gets” me on a whole other level – she understands the fears I have of being abandoned, of being seen and rejected – all that stuff. She knows it better than me, isn’t that weird?! So really that means that she knows me better than anyone else in this entire world. Including myself. Powerful.
I am so glad I took myself into therapy 3 years ago. It is the hardest, most life-shaking, wonderful thing I’ve ever done and for once in my life I can admit to myself that I am PROUD of myself for embarking on this journey. I’ve never felt proud of myself before.
If we manage to maintain this relationship, me and her – it may possibly change my whole life. It might bring me an “earned secure attachment” – I might see the world differently, see myself differently. Isn’t that huge? No pressure on her part hey!! I am learning to be vulnerable and I am learning to trust. Mostly, I am learning to feel.
Life feels like it is at a real turning point for me at the moment and I think I feel quite emotional about it today – in a good way. Good emotional. I want a word to summarise that feeling and I can think of is “embracing”. I am embracing the changes right now.