Diary entry – 9 Feb

Thursday 9th Feb

Today is therapy day again. I like therapy days, they seem to feel different. I can’t entirely work out what the feeling is, but it can change the feel of the day from “ugh, another day” to “oh, its T day, excellent”… isn’t that strange.  ???

I thought I would write a quick entry and I thought I would ask myself, how am I feeling today? Then it struck me, that I find it pretty hard to answer that. I mean, if someone else asked me that, I’d just say I’m fine, thanks, or I’m good! but knowing I am writing in my own journal means I can be a bit more honest and think about the answer more and I realised how strange it is that I can’t answer that quickly. I have no obvious feeling of sadness or anger or anything – so I guess I am happy… although I’m not hyperactive happy like I can sometimes be.. in fact that seems to have been happening less and less frequently lately.

After my big session on Tuesday evening, me and my boyfriend had a pretty brief chat last night about things, I told him that I had cried a lot in my session on Tuesday and he seemed genuinely surprised. He asked why and I said the triangle stuff, realising I had been doing this and not realising, the fear that we weren’t as happy as I thought we were – he got off his chair and came to cuddle me and I burst into tears again – something has REALLY got me with this stuff, hasn’t it!?

He said that we may not be perfect but that we have a relationship that a lot of people would be envious of, I agreed with that but said I was so scared of the things we had done that weren’t “healthy” or whatever.  He went into the kitchen to clean up after dinner and I sat at the table and cried again, quite hard. I could feel that I was only crying half as hard as I could have – that was a weird feeling.  I don’t know a better of way of describing this, but it was like the depth of the tears were (could have been) soooo deep.

My boyfriend promised that he would try to open up to me more about how he feels and I said that I felt like such a * when he admitted that when I ask him what he wants, he panics and doesn’t tell me because he worries about what I will say or think. I said I hate that he thinks I’m that bad and that I felt so guilty for that. He said it wasn’t that he thought I would “kick off” but more that he worried he wouldn’t express himself clearly and then I would jump to conclusions and take it out of context and it would upset me.  I said that was a sign that I wasn’t patient enough and that hopefully it would get easier now we’ve had this conversation and with practice.  He agreed and said he promised to try and open up more and relax about things that he worries about.  I told him that I’m not weak and unable to handle things and he said he knew that.  I said that we had to work on things so that if I was upset by something he told me about how he was feeling, that was MY problem to deal with and not his to own.

Obviously Tuesday night’s session and that conversation are emotionally tough so maybe that’s why I don’t feel hyperactively happy but I don’t feel sad either… I just kinda “am”… maybe its even a good thing not to swing from high to low so much? I don’t know.

Knowing I’ll be back at T’s at 1.30 is a good feeling – I don’t really know what to expect. I guess she will want to talk about my tears the other night and my reaction to this stuff.. I wonder whether there are more tears yet to come or not? I also think she will ask me how I am feeling knowing that I only have 2 sessions before a week’s break – and for the first time I think I am able to admit to her that I am not looking forward to it. I’ve been on a countdown of the date she’s going away since she told me it at our first session back after Christmas.  I guess it unsteadies me because I have become so dependant on my sessions, on her and knowing that even with 2 sessions a week, I still have to reach out to her via email sometimes – I guess there is a panic that I won’t be able to handle stuff without her there.  When she’s on holiday, I NEVER email her. I do plan to be honest about this today if it comes up, but I am embarrassed about admitting it.  There has been so much shame and embarrassment this week hasn’t there?!

Things occupying my mind at the moment are:

  • The triangle stuff/stuff with me and my boyfriend
    My reaction on Tuesday and again last night – the crying and how deep it felt
    The shame I’ve felt this week in particular
    The therapy break coming up
    What my mum said at the weekend about men crying; and
    That dream about the man
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